There Is No Wrong Approach to Online Dating

     Lord Byron wrote in Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, “In solitude we are least alone.” And yet, in an era where half of the adults in the United States are single, many have forgone Byron’s philosophy on a life of independence (perhaps rightfully so, given his propensity for getting it on with family members of varying relation) and have instead begun a pursuit of other members of the human species, largely for purposes of mating, cohabitation, and tax incentives. As I am by most accounts a member of the human race, I am not completely immune to the desire to find someone else with whom to share my life, and hopefully, my student loan debt. However, I tend to find my greatest pleasures in reading, playing games, and watching movies alone. I am not one who can typically be found in environments in which socializing is expected. There is a reason why the video game series I co-host is called “Agoraphobic Gaming.” So, as I often do when faced with one of life’s problems, I turned to the Internet.

This keyboard cost me $400. Amazon reviews are mixed.

     There are few hells greater than having to write about yourself in an online dating profile. My first profile started wonderfully, with the sentence, “I am an English major” (ladies). After that my profile descended into what can only be described as a web of lies. I wrote about my interests (My cat puzzles and my cat, Puzzles), what I do on a typical Friday night (confine myself in a large refrigerator box upon which I have posted notes that list my many, many regrets and weeping for hours). It wasn’t a terribly accurate profile, but by the time I finished I knew I would never want to write another profile. I left it to linger and decay, somewhere deep in the bowels of the internet. That was until I started receiving messages, both from OKCupid, indicating that another user “liked” my profile, and from other, real people, who wanted to have a chat with what I hoped the recognized as a crazy person.


     Now, I have nothing to say about the women who messaged me other than to say that they were generally kind, gracious ladies who were good humored enough to put up with my bizarre replies to their messages. None the less, I wasn’t receiving a great deal of interest for some reason, and so, after a few months I realized that perhaps I should update my profile that better reflected my real life and personality. However, I still felt that writing about myself was essentially torture. Luckily, I had a number of friends who were kind enough to help me craft the perfect profile. I posted a message to my Facebook friends and asked them to help me create a profile that would show the dating world what I had to offer. I promised that anything they wrote would go on my actual OKCupid profile. You can see the results here.


     Done reading that? Great. I got almost everything written on that page posted within a twenty-four hour period, and I am pleased to report that my new and improved profile has generated a great deal of interest. I changed my profile several months ago, and I still receive messages each month and notices that someone “liked” my page each week. As you can imagine, the most popular response to my page is, “What’s up with werewolves,” to which I have crafted a standard response.

     … I didn’t get many messages after this, but a few women were willing to help me with my nomenclature problems.

     Some non-werewolf messages led to useful dispensations of advice.

     Some women found my profile “funny,” but lacked the ambition to take our relationship to the next level and become business partners.

     And some, unfortunately, were driven to drink.

     Unfortunately, some people on OKCupid got a little too personal.

     While I have yet to find that special lady, I maintain high hopes. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep talking to bots on Tinder.

By Dan 12/15/14